Princess Diana, queen of hearts, was discovered dead today, a coroner confirms. Cause of death appears to have been asphyxiation, however, the princess had received several large abrasions to the head and torso. Early rumours claim that her body was unearthed from six feet of dirt.
She was discovered when guards were alerted to someone loitering with a spade in the grounds of Kensington palace. As the two guards approached they discovered that the man, one Adam I. Lily, had removed several layers of dirt from the ground, exposing the coffin, I mean box, and was proceeding to remove his underwear. Mr Lily was taken into custody for questioning and is likely to be charged later this week.
The princess, who had been living in subterranean quarters for the past 13 years, provided much charitable work towards the ruination of Britain’s monarch. She has also been linked to several conspiracy theories. Little is known of her current sex life, though it is widespread knowledge that she’s ‘dirty’.