Last week, whilst festering around the local crèche waiting to collect my nephew, I discovered (perhaps not to my surprise) that today’s ‘modern’ child has an unusually high sex drive for such an undeveloped creature. I decided that my general concern and intrigue had to be quelled. With my genitalia firmly strapped down and out of sight I opted to loiter by the perimeter fence of the local tuck shop (hub of the young and raunchy) under the guise of a blind man and his dog. Of course, ideas of ramming young Jane during recess weren’t all that filled these prematurely chauvinistic minds, so too did a sense of inQuire. Before long, Oliver (age 6 from Margate) came rattling the fences and questioning me of my business.
“Well, my sex drive is massive. However, the inability to sustain an erection is somewhat of a quandary, in fact to garner an erection in the first place is problematic.” At this stage I was surprised by how formal and eloquent a 6-year-old could be. “The method I’ve employed to help me in this matter is to tape two untrimmed lollipop sticks to my elephantine wang.”
When I asked the female sucklings what prompted this move to early sexual development the answers always came back the same: “Reading Jacqueline Wilson helped improve both my vocabulary and my realisation that slag culture promotes the ideal of the intelligent, independent woman.”