Felines Tripping The Light…Switches

Drug addiction statistics rise by 30% in England and Wales
Noah Rosewater

A government sponsored survey shows the number of pets addicted to class-A drugs in England and Wales has risen by more than 30 per cent in the past three months.

The trafficking of illegal drugs in the UK is estimated to be worth £5.3 billion and has been strongly resilient to concerted police ‘crack’ downs.

An ever-growing presence of gangland elements is responsible for the alarming surge in drug availability, and resistance to law enforcement’s attempts to buck the sales and use of narcotics.

Scaremongers in the nations media are predicting a ‘pandemic of substance abuse sweeping the nations veterinaries.’

Heroin abuse within the feline world provides startling figures that show just how prevalent the drug problem in Britain is.

1 in 4 domesticated cats have a daily habit accounting for 23% of sales per anum.

“Dealers must be brought to justice, this is essential. But for us to have a real effect on the markets we must crush sales by 60%, a statistic that has never been met by the British constabulary.” said former Scotland yard top ‘dog’, Sir Ian Blair.

David Blakey CBE QPM, of the UK Drug Policy Commission, when questioned, declined to comment on the perturbing figures relating to domesticated animals.

As always, this ever-resourceful reporter wanted to hear from the afflicted and addicted. I spoke to my cat, Otter, who’s been hooked to amphetamines and dope for two years.

Mr Rosewater, as I’ve now been asked to refer to Otter, provided me with a written statement, refusing to talk in front of cameras – despite this being printed press: “For two, long, harrowing, years I was addicted to substances that should not be ingested by any sentient being. The experiences I had were harrowing and besieging…of my mind. I’d like now to be left in peace. I like Whiskers, not that cheap shit your whore of a wife gets.”

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